So let’s see, as I mentioned earlier, this was it. In the dark of the night, I was about to cheat. I felt dirty. I snuck around before the sun rose…I went to see a mistress who had been sending me all sorts of love notes online…and finally I gave in to her seduction. She said she’d treat me better than my long-term lover did. She would lavish me with all sorts of goodies.
Now, in fairness, I’d been here before. But that time, I was in an unhappy relationship. Northwest was abusing me, forcing me to jam my knees into seatbacks and suffer the indignities of international economy. It was awful, and I was looking for something happier. I had a fling with United when she promised me something better. No incentive, just give me a try…you’ll have fun with me. That was around six years ago, and I sure have….to the point I’ve done 950,000 miles on her since then. However, she’s gotten a bit cranky since her evil relative came into the picture and all they do is argue. In front of me. It’s not pretty. I hate spending time around her when all she can do is complain about how bad her recently re-joined siamese twin is. It’s not pretty…at all. To top it off, I hate to admit it, but she’s falling apart.
Last time we went for a romp across the ocean, she was stuck in place. Couldn’t even recline. I’d paid big money for us to enjoy this trip together, and she was stuck in place unable to recline back for hours. It wasn’t enjoyable for either of us, and when I told daddy Smisek, he gave me a pitiful increase on my weekly allowance and said “don’t worry, I think this is a change you’ll like.”
Thus is was, I found myself at DCA at 4:45am ready to cheat on her. I felt dirty, but there it was…and here we go.
4:45am isn’t pretty. Honestly, I still don’t believe it exists. Especially because it required being away at 3:30am, a few espresso shots and a monster energy, a taxi conversation about recent developments in ethiopian politics, and…yeah, I’m boring you. Normally I like hard-copy boarding passes, but at 5am there was no way I was standing in line at the ticket counter to get one. Mobile pass flashed to the TSA nitwits, through the x-ray, no need to opt out today, and I was outside the Mistress’s Lair, I mean Admirals Club, five minutes before opening.
What waited inside? A smile. Yes, at 5am, a SMILE. Whoah…and donuts. United might have slung some yogurt at me if I was lucky, but these were honest to God sugar-filled chunks of 5am happiness. Top this off with awesome smiling staff, and I was in Heaven…until I got to the gate at 6am.
There, I was met with my worst fears. See, I’ve been to 116 countries, but there’s two cities in America I’m ashamed to admit never having been to: Miami, and New Orleans. New Orleans because my already-fragile liver is afraid of it, and Miami because, well…yeah. Getting to the gate, I noticed half the flight was already wearing sunglasses. Mind you, it was 5:20 am and we were inside DCA. That didn’t seem to matter to any of them. Gucci, Prada, tell me what you like…gate 22 at DCA never mind the gate lice! Boarding passes were printed by the ambivalent gate agent, and soon we’d boarded.
Seats? Well, they seemed a bit flimsy in “first” on this 737-800, but nothing terrible. Wide enough, good enough leg room, the standard (to me) United OJ or water offered. So far, just another day up front.
American Airlines flight 2185
Washington, National (DCA) to Miami (MIA)
Depart: 6:05 Arrive: 8:35 Flight Time 2:30
Boeing 737-800, Registration N904AN, Manufactured 1999
Seat 5E, First Class
So, honestly, there’s not much to say about the flight. I know, you expected rocket science, right? It was a standard domestic U.S. flight. A few notes: “breakfast” on American in this case meant a bowl of cereal, a banana, a plate full of blueberries, and some carb bombs…aka biscuit or bagel. Skipped on the bombs, had a bloody mary and enjoyed (dry) the fruit and cereal. As someone who normally skips breakfast it was a perfectly happy start to the day.
Flight itself was completely uneventful, and unfortunately I have very little to report. It was what I’d come to expect from similar flings, and honestly, while the variety was nice my socks weren’t knocked off. I’m definitely not leaving my regular partner for her any time soon because of this. We landed on time in Miami, and culture shock was about to set in!
I think I’m in Detroit, and having a flashback to the last time I had an affair. See, back then, my partner…let’s call her Northwest, used to make me take a train up and down to all parts of town to visit her. She couldn’t sit still, and we’d go to Detroit and zip back and forth on this little red train. It was fun, but soon grew old. Now, this new mistress was going to make me do the same…except in Miami. Zip, zip, zip, from one end of the long terminal to the other, and into her den of iniquity…yes, the “Admiral’s Club.”
Now, a few thoughts on this place, that are easier in numerical form:
1) The lady up front smiled at me. She genuinely cared. She wasn’t a dragon. She was really happy to see me.
2) There was no cheese. No crackers. Some rather sad cookies, but a decent espresso machine. That works for me.
3) Everyone was habla-ing the español. J’étais confusé. What IS this place. I think I got off in Havana by accident.
4) Oh, and why pray-tell is everyone still wearing sunglasses? Indoors? Is there something going on I wasn’t aware of? My mama’s warned me about places like this.
Never mind, it was a quick stop for espresso, iPad recharging, and agua, and off to the gate. Boarding was quick, things were once-again friendly, and I was ensconced on the 757 where thanks to my learnings of FEBO (Front-Even, Back-Odd) I was near the back of the cabin. See, this chick doesn’t believe in serving her frequent clients first….she just cares where you live. On even-numbered days, she likes the ones up front. On odd-numbered days, she likes the ones in back. Being an odd-numbered day, I’d picked a seat in back so she’d get to me first. Wise choice!
American Airlines flight 2297
Miami (MIA) to St Lucia, Hewanorra Airport (UVF)
Depart: 10:15 Arrive 13:50 Flight time 3:35
Boeing 757-200, Registration N612AA, Manufactured 1989
Seat 5E, Business Class
Once again, I can’t say much on this flight. I had some sort of a chicken dish for lunch, which was tasty enough. I have to admit though….cookies for dessert? Come on, this isn’t grade school. I don’t do dessert often, so look for something tasty when I treat. A cookie just doesn’t cut it. For quasi-domestic though, it was exactly what I’d come to expect from my current partner so I can’t complain or be happy either way.
I did feel guilty, however, that in the galley I had a chat about my current partner with the mistresses employees. They were unaware that the mistress had made such a wide offer to all the guys who’d been hanging out with my current partner, and were extra-anxious to show how fun they were. Yes, this involved beverages….and I have to say…she keeps just as cheap of wine at home as the current. Can’t win or lose here!
Overall first impressions? Same, same…but different. Only noticeable difference is the mistress is noticeably happier these days, while Ms United the partner is quite grouchy in general. That could all change, but I’ll be giving them both a chance…two-timing through at least mid-2013 until I can make my mind up. After all, what’s the point of a mistress if you can’t string both of them along while you think you can get the best of both worlds?
Deplaning was quick, and walked down the stairs into the heat and humidity of St Lucia…country #117 visited. Inside the terminal, I was met with something United has never done for me. There was an agent with my name (and two others…I assume other Exec Platinums) on a board, who personally escorted us to the front of the immigration queue, thanked us for flying American, and made sure we were through in under 5 minutes. WOW! 100+ international flights with United, and they’ve never done that!
